Fill this void!

I haven’t been writing a lot lately not because I am busy. In fact I am opposite of being busy! I have been blinded by having too much time in my hand. I don’t know what to do with it so everything that I’ve used to do ( blogging) becomes a second priority to doing nothing. JOBLESS and PLANLESS! I don’t know what’s my direction in life and it scares the living hell out of me! 2 Months ago I thought I’d got everything covered; Which university at which country, what course to take for how long, what I am working as…  I’ve got distracted along the way and now i feel so trouble not getting on the right track. Wait, is there even the ‘right’ track? Arghh!! 😦

On another completely different dimension, I immense myself in SJAB activities. I feel at home. The familiar faces and working styles… It has been 2 years of hiding in guilt. I never thought that coming back would be this easy …to.. fit in.

So, Competition Camp had finally ended. I’d struggle a bit with HN. Was lucky that there’s Nicole, Ain, Cynthia AND JAMIE to help with the revision. I couldn’t help but to reminisce my time as a competitor. How frightful I was of getting punishments and scoldings. Now that I am an Instructor, how frightful I am of teaching the wrong things to the competitors. I feel bad that I am not confident of teaching them the right things. The blame is on me for AWOL for 2 years. Sorry guys:(

Maybe I got carried away with my anger that I shout senseless things to my dear NC. I expect them to be on par with my standards. Afterall this is Competition Camp! Basics should be there but why I keep on seeing mistakes after mistakes? Got them cried while doing HN cases in front of everyone. I kept my guilt hidden and continue to drill them on their basics through the night. I got to my senses when I overhead someone said one of the team mates couldn’t smile after she cried which is not how she use to be. The pang of guilt that is building in me just erupt and i felt wrong and responsible for that. Enough is enough. One thing that I forget while guiding them is that they are human. Unless they are bless with robot-like-stamina, there’ll come to a point that they will break down because that’s the limit they have for the day. Just like any human, in order to improve they have to start somewhere just like my team. That’s my blind spot too. For my team, we had that moment where every single one of us is determine to set a common goal. Sadly, that moment was when my instructor decided that she had enough of our nonsense and started to walk away. I forgot that they too must have a moment and every single one of them must be determine to achieve together as a team. If that first harsh night of Home Nursing set them to decide a common goal, I am able to be a bit at ease. At least I’ve got something out of them other than their hatred towards me.

How happy I was when I see there’s an improvement in their HN the next day. Maybe it’s our approach (instructors had meeting that night and decided on another approach), maybe it’s their determination. I don’t know. One thing for sure, they are improving and I can’t keep myself from not smiling. Is this how instructor’s felt when we did tremendously good and got first place for  HN? Whatever it is, it feels good.

Recently, I went to a Standard 3 meeting to cover for Nicole’s absence. There’s something that the leader said that struck my heart. “Don’t scold a cadet when you are angry”. Being in an emotional state when you are correcting someone can make you get carried away with it. Well, I need more than just patience to re-start myself with this instructor role all over again. As a cadet once, I know how I felt when this happens to me. I need to embed this reminder in my brain.

Please Yan! Get your emotions in check before doing anything stupid! You have the tendency to do stupids things.. So please ah!!

Honestly, I feel that SJAB is the only thing that maybe keep me sane from the void of my life. I’ve got directions and aims in SJAB but why I could not apply that in my life?


Why Do We Seek Labels?

Our incessant need to label ourselves speaks to a great insecurity within us. Maybe it’s because of the constant bombardment of celebrity news and digitally-manipulated images, or maybe that insecurity always existed and the internet is just allowing us to admit it.

Hilarious article!

10 Cities/10 Years

It’s almost a daily occurrence now. On Facebook or Twitter, in an article or mind-numbing listicle, someone is discussing the traits, burdens and/or pleasures of being an introvert. Based on the unscientific sampling of my personal feed, 90% of the narcissistic self-promoters in the world are actually meek and shy introverts.

When us loners aren’t breathlessly talking about how weird it is that we prefer books to people (haha, I’m soooo crazy!), we’re posting the results of a Briggs Myers personality test (or some generic knockoff).

“I’m totally an INFP.”

“Well, I’m an ENFJ.”

“Oh, I could definitely see that. I guess that’s because I’m an ENTP.”

“I kind of figured all of you were CUNTs.”

And when we get bored with scientific classifications that mostly mean nothing, we fall back on the original sugar pill of personality labels: The Zodiac.

What’s Your Sign?

How is it that a…

View original post 876 more words

The Denial of Childhood to Children of Colour

This is nothing new. For decades brown and black bodies are routinely denied their childhood to justify violence being perpetrated on them. The events in the US of the past year, where 12-year-old black boys are shot dead because they appear older, or the justification of targeted bombing of Palestinian children because “war is war” shows us that the intersection of race serves time and again to dehumanise and delegitimise the lives and childhoods of brown and black bodies.

Media Diversified

by Judith Wanga

British Muslim girlIn yesterday’s Independent online The Evening Standard’s restaurant critic and ex-Guardian soap opera reviewer, Grace Dent, gabe us the gift of her deep understanding of wider society, this time opining that the teenagers in the news who have left the country, apparently to join ISIS in Syria, should not be allowed to return to their British homes.

Dent’s approach to the girls is cynical and full of condemnation. Her description of the girls as appearing to be “cool headed, elegantly pulled together, determined young women” deliberately ignores their ages (the youngest is fifteen) which confirm their child-status. This is the same logic and defence used by those who groom and abuse kids. “They didn’t look underage”; “they were really mature for their age”. It requires you to dismiss the evident fact that, despite their mature appearance, these were, in fact, teenage girls who are naive and susceptible…

View original post 815 more words

The Convert

I met an acquaintance the other day. I met him a lot of times but we only get to hold a proper conversation only recently. Though it was a short conversation, the content of it left me with sadness at the same time I am filled with inspiration of his strong determination.

So this guy, he is a Muslim convert (it has been a year I think, Alhamdulillah) and he is formerly from my school. I met him through camps, night cycling organised by the youth of the mosque.

There was this camp particularly that I remembered him giving a talk. He narrated about how his family poorly reacts to his updated faith and that he got shun by them. How heartbroken he was when he cannot perform his prayers openly in the house. It’s sorrowful when the two people whom he love dearly treated him negatively. What struck my heart most during that talk was that he mentioned Allah swt says that no matter how bad are you, if you are a Muslim you still get to go to the paradise. No matter how evil you are! But my parents, they aren’t Muslims. So no matter how good or angelic they are to the people around them, there aren’t able to get to Jannah! DO you know how dejected I feel? You guys can reunite with your family in Jannah! But what about mine? My mom, who has been struggling carrying me for 9 months, care for me when I’m sick… she can’t go to Jannah. My Dad, who has been taking care of the family, ensuring we have enough food on the table, protects the family.. what about him too? He can’t be able to be in Jannah… “

This is the same guy who get treated so poorly by his family and yet he still view them in such kindness! MASHA ALLAH! He still have thoughts for his family’s afterlife. I cried there and then. How could I not?

So when I met him again the other day I ask how he’s doing and how’s his family and stuff. Knowing his background, I don’t want him to talk about his sadness. Even if I ask him about his family, I am hopeful that somehow or rather he will jump in happiness and tell me that ” Masha Allah! I am so thankful to Allah that my parents finally have converted to the religion of truth” or somewhere around those line. But I can’t guarantee that he will say that so to be safe I ask a neutral question; “You are my senior from my school right. Which you do you graduate?” To which he replied “No, I didn’t graduate, I left school”  Totally didn’t expect him to say that. Of course internally I freak out because I have a strong notion (which I believe many of us share the same thought) that you cannot go far in life without an academic certification. In an exception of those minority who are able to succeed life in terms of wealth. You guys know who I am talking about (all those informational youtube videos watched have got to be paid off some day). Maybe because of my (strong) expression to his answer, he elaborated that it was because it’s a difficult time for him with his family and he was exploring Islam back then.

I was overwhelm with awe. He sacrificed his secular education for Islam. The rarity of people doing this is so rare that I can count it with single hand. One.  Subhanallah. It shows how determined he is to perfect his deen.

In front of me is man who had recently announce his faith in Islam and went to such extend for his love for Islam. And here I am who has been a Muslim for all my life and I am having difficulty to wake up for Fajr…. Astaghfirullah 😦 I felt so ashamed of myself. Why can’t I be like him? I have the best of situation and yet I couldn’t discipline myself for Him! But my acquaintance… he strive to perfect his deen no matter how difficult his situation is.

My tongue felt stiff when I try to process all the things that has been said. It makes the situation a bit awkward because I have no reply to that.

Dear Lord, The Lord of the Universe, The Most Forgiving, The All Knowing, grant me forgiveness for when I am careless with my words and distracted with Dunya. Grant the ummah forgiveness for whatever sins they fall into. Strengthen our hearts, strengthen our  faith & Imaan. Strengthen our will to prostrate before you and not fall easily to shaitan’s trap.

Dear Lord of the Worlds, The Protector, protect those who are in hardships. Grant them patience and bestow upon them your Hidayah and direct them to the path of truth.

Amiin! Amiin! Amiin!

I hope to see him again and hope that I can offer him my help in anyway that I could. In shaa Allah!

Crashed Bridge!

One Herculean Task have been lifted off from my list of school responsibilities. That being said, Happy New Year!


It has been one hell of a ride for our FYP journey. There were countless moments that I wish my team and I don’t have to go through. There were uncounted moments as well that I enjoyed together and I wish that such moments would prolong till the last day of our FYP. But smooth sea does not create a skillful sailor. 

We have officially ended our Final Year Project and I can’t express how light I feel. Gone are the gloomy days of painstakingly chionging for completing FYP reports, online logbook and creating the Poster and whatnot. The days where I can physically feel the workload of FYP and having to deal with the emotional turmoil set in me from the scoldings from our supervisors and TSOs are the thing of the past. THE PAST!! Dobby has no master. Dobby is a free elf! 


I think my team did ‘okay’ when presenting in front of the first 2 assessors. The first lady assessor was great. We managed to answer her questions professionally. The second one, Faci Ashray (he is my IIP liason officer! What a small world!) was the best amongst all three because he read up our poster on his own and ask questions along the way which saves us a lot of trouble and time! Questions he asked were manageable and the team and I are able to answer everything. 🙂




And so we thought we could handle the last assessor since we ‘nailed’ the first two… so we ‘thought’ we could perform as good (or even better) as our previous ones…

For the last assessor,we called him ‘Yong Tau Fu’ because we can’t remember his name and it is pronounced somewhere along the nickname we have given him.

And unlike Yong Tau Fu, a pleasant dish to eat, questions asked were far from pleasant. Err… Damn! I think he found our weak spot and questioned us thoroughly on that spot. And I knew at once every single one of us is screwed because the day before our FYP evaluation, we have discussed in great detailed and have fortunately (& unfortunately -.-) found out that there are certain things in our project that we didn’t do and thus we cannot make a certain statement because there is no raw data to back up our statement. So we berpakat to avoid that area and don’t touch at all. I guess we did pretty well for the first two presentations considering they did not talk about our weak spot. I think it was an unfortunate moment when Yong Tau Fu managed to ‘sniff’ the ugly weak spot. During the intervention, I have this vision whereby our project ( a cool project and not mistakenly a leceh one) symbolize as bridge, connecting us to a new land that promise us better opportunities. We (my team mates and I) are on the end of the bridge ready to cross. However, this bridge is not a complete one. It looks sturdy but there are certain areas, if walked on the wrong part, the whole bridge will given in. That is our weak spot. So during the assessment, when Yong Tau Fu drilled questions on our weak spot, it is like as if he drilled on the weak spot of the bridge, a very very risky thing to do because if the other structure of the bridge cannot support this weak area, there goes our journey to the ‘promised land’. So yep! I have the vision that the stupid weak spot give way no matter how much we try to avoid  walking on the weak areas of the bridge. The bridge crumbles.

I felt disappointed with the outcome of our FYP evaluation. Really. All it takes is only one person to drill on the correct area to crash our bridge. Can’t blame him though because at the end of the day it is our fault for not making ‘weak spot’-proof bridge.

So yeap! But there’s nothing can be done because what’s done is done. Tried to cheer the team up but well…*sigh*

Saw Ye En’s team ( who also share the same FYP presentation room with us as well) on our way down.  I want to express how thankful I am to have them around as friends also! SERIOUSLY! When our request to use such-and-such machines during experimentation period got nowhere or fly into right ear come out from the left, if it wasn’t their team that help us out to manage the FTIR, UV Spec and NMR machines… I don’t know what would become of us.




So we with heavy feet, we went to TRCC to have our ‘celebratory’ meal. Yay. The rest of the team went to watch movie afterwards while I went home. Hope they catch a lovely and nice movie.


I had a deep sleep that I personally think such rest can last me for 2 days of non-stop work. That’s how exhausted and sad I was.

Well, the other day, Vinny said that she suddenly have a lot of free time on her hand. This was somewhat how our conversation goes.

Me: Do you have anything to do later or are you in a rush?

Vinny: Nope, nothing to do later and not rushing. I suddenly feel that I have so much time on my hand.

Me: Must be that FYP takes a lot of your time eh?

Vinny: Yeah hah! Now that FYP is over, I feel so empty now..

Me: Hahahah! There is no life goal to work towards since FYP is over. HAHAHA! FYP OVER, NO GOAL IN LIFE!

We had a hearty laugh afterwards.


All in all I hope for the best now lah. No point grieving over something that you can’t change. SO yep! CRASHED BRIDGE! Hopefully the river below brings us to better promised land (Please not waterfall!!). InshaAllah!


People of boxes

There were once some people who all saw their lives like empty boxes. They looked around the world, collecting up the things they liked. They filled their lives and boxes with the goodies that they gathered and they all felt in control, content and they all felt alright. They climbed inside their boxes and they settled with their trinkets. They neither looked nor learned much more and closed their lids uptight. Once they’d fastened their boxes they smile they’re inside, and they all thought in their darkness that the world was clear and bright.

But the world is not a box. There’s no lid, no doors, no cardboard flaps or locks. And everything in nature from the clouds to the rocks is a piece of the puzzle of the purpose of mankind. It’s a piece of the peace of Islam.

Along came a wondering wise man whispering such words of truth, who stumbled on these boxes, so separated side by side. He knocked upon the first one saying ” Please come out and feel the day”. An answer came from deep within, “You’re not one of us. Please Go away”.

He approached the second box and tapped thrice on the lid saying ” Peace to you inside, shall I show you a new way?”. Someone peeked out from a crack and said, ” You may just have a point, but its so comfy in my box, in my box here I will stay”.

But the world is not a box. There’s no lid, no doors, no cardboard flaps or locks. And everything in nature from the clouds to the rocks is a piece of the puzzle of the purpose of mankind. It’s a piece of the peace of Islam.

He stood before the final box. A hiding face peeked out to him and much to his surprised, he said ” I recognized those eyes!” ” I see you and you see me so why not come out and be free? Faith and flowers wilt and die if they are hidden from the sky!”

‘Cause the world is not a box. There’s no lid, no doors, no cardboard flaps or locks. And everything in nature from the clouds to the rocks is a piece of the puzzle of the purpose of mankind. It’s a piece of the peace of Islam.

Now centuries lie between all the prophets and you and I. Civilizations are born and die each and every day. We see good and bad and happy – sad and mad mistakes. We wish we hadn’t made in our attempt to try and live up to their way. But if we hide ourselves away, afraid to grow and learn we might wake up in the flames of ignorance that burns and we’ll never be much more than only casualties of war, in struggle we can’t win if we have no faith to begin. We’ve got to tip the lid and let some sunlight in….

‘Cause the world is not a box. There’s no lid, no doors, no cardboard flaps or locks. And everything in nature from the clouds to the rocks is a piece of the puzzle of the purpose of mankind. It’s a piece of the peace of Islam.

– Dawud Wharnsby

A letter to my younger self

Dear Yan,

I wish that the concept of time travelling doesn’t just exist in the fictional world but extend to the world that we live in. Because maybe I need to prepare you for what’s to come in your way. The prep talks and mandatory hugs. Maybe I want you to take the different route and experience a different outcome. It may or may not break you. Ultimately, I want you to grow and not become who I am today.

With so much love,
Yan 2015