Fill this void!

I haven’t been writing a lot lately not because I am busy. In fact I am opposite of being busy! I have been blinded by having too much time in my hand. I don’t know what to do with it so everything that I’ve used to do ( blogging) becomes a second priority to doing nothing. JOBLESS and PLANLESS! I don’t know what’s my direction in life and it scares the living hell out of me! 2 Months ago I thought I’d got everything covered; Which university at which country, what course to take for how long, what I am working as…  I’ve got distracted along the way and now i feel so trouble not getting on the right track. Wait, is there even the ‘right’ track? Arghh!! 😦

On another completely different dimension, I immense myself in SJAB activities. I feel at home. The familiar faces and working styles… It has been 2 years of hiding in guilt. I never thought that coming back would be this easy …to.. fit in.

So, Competition Camp had finally ended. I’d struggle a bit with HN. Was lucky that there’s Nicole, Ain, Cynthia AND JAMIE to help with the revision. I couldn’t help but to reminisce my time as a competitor. How frightful I was of getting punishments and scoldings. Now that I am an Instructor, how frightful I am of teaching the wrong things to the competitors. I feel bad that I am not confident of teaching them the right things. The blame is on me for AWOL for 2 years. Sorry guys:(

Maybe I got carried away with my anger that I shout senseless things to my dear NC. I expect them to be on par with my standards. Afterall this is Competition Camp! Basics should be there but why I keep on seeing mistakes after mistakes? Got them cried while doing HN cases in front of everyone. I kept my guilt hidden and continue to drill them on their basics through the night. I got to my senses when I overhead someone said one of the team mates couldn’t smile after she cried which is not how she use to be. The pang of guilt that is building in me just erupt and i felt wrong and responsible for that. Enough is enough. One thing that I forget while guiding them is that they are human. Unless they are bless with robot-like-stamina, there’ll come to a point that they will break down because that’s the limit they have for the day. Just like any human, in order to improve they have to start somewhere just like my team. That’s my blind spot too. For my team, we had that moment where every single one of us is determine to set a common goal. Sadly, that moment was when my instructor decided that she had enough of our nonsense and started to walk away. I forgot that they too must have a moment and every single one of them must be determine to achieve together as a team. If that first harsh night of Home Nursing set them to decide a common goal, I am able to be a bit at ease. At least I’ve got something out of them other than their hatred towards me.

How happy I was when I see there’s an improvement in their HN the next day. Maybe it’s our approach (instructors had meeting that night and decided on another approach), maybe it’s their determination. I don’t know. One thing for sure, they are improving and I can’t keep myself from not smiling. Is this how instructor’s felt when we did tremendously good and got first place for  HN? Whatever it is, it feels good.

Recently, I went to a Standard 3 meeting to cover for Nicole’s absence. There’s something that the leader said that struck my heart. “Don’t scold a cadet when you are angry”. Being in an emotional state when you are correcting someone can make you get carried away with it. Well, I need more than just patience to re-start myself with this instructor role all over again. As a cadet once, I know how I felt when this happens to me. I need to embed this reminder in my brain.

Please Yan! Get your emotions in check before doing anything stupid! You have the tendency to do stupids things.. So please ah!!

Honestly, I feel that SJAB is the only thing that maybe keep me sane from the void of my life. I’ve got directions and aims in SJAB but why I could not apply that in my life?

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