Fill this void!

I haven’t been writing a lot lately not because I am busy. In fact I am opposite of being busy! I have been blinded by having too much time in my hand. I don’t know what to do with it so everything that I’ve used to do ( blogging) becomes a second priority to doing nothing. JOBLESS and PLANLESS! I don’t know what’s my direction in life and it scares the living hell out of me! 2 Months ago I thought I’d got everything covered; Which university at which country, what course to take for how long, what I am working as…  I’ve got distracted along the way and now i feel so trouble not getting on the right track. Wait, is there even the ‘right’ track? Arghh!! 😦

On another completely different dimension, I immense myself in SJAB activities. I feel at home. The familiar faces and working styles… It has been 2 years of hiding in guilt. I never thought that coming back would be this easy …to.. fit in.

So, Competition Camp had finally ended. I’d struggle a bit with HN. Was lucky that there’s Nicole, Ain, Cynthia AND JAMIE to help with the revision. I couldn’t help but to reminisce my time as a competitor. How frightful I was of getting punishments and scoldings. Now that I am an Instructor, how frightful I am of teaching the wrong things to the competitors. I feel bad that I am not confident of teaching them the right things. The blame is on me for AWOL for 2 years. Sorry guys:(

Maybe I got carried away with my anger that I shout senseless things to my dear NC. I expect them to be on par with my standards. Afterall this is Competition Camp! Basics should be there but why I keep on seeing mistakes after mistakes? Got them cried while doing HN cases in front of everyone. I kept my guilt hidden and continue to drill them on their basics through the night. I got to my senses when I overhead someone said one of the team mates couldn’t smile after she cried which is not how she use to be. The pang of guilt that is building in me just erupt and i felt wrong and responsible for that. Enough is enough. One thing that I forget while guiding them is that they are human. Unless they are bless with robot-like-stamina, there’ll come to a point that they will break down because that’s the limit they have for the day. Just like any human, in order to improve they have to start somewhere just like my team. That’s my blind spot too. For my team, we had that moment where every single one of us is determine to set a common goal. Sadly, that moment was when my instructor decided that she had enough of our nonsense and started to walk away. I forgot that they too must have a moment and every single one of them must be determine to achieve together as a team. If that first harsh night of Home Nursing set them to decide a common goal, I am able to be a bit at ease. At least I’ve got something out of them other than their hatred towards me.

How happy I was when I see there’s an improvement in their HN the next day. Maybe it’s our approach (instructors had meeting that night and decided on another approach), maybe it’s their determination. I don’t know. One thing for sure, they are improving and I can’t keep myself from not smiling. Is this how instructor’s felt when we did tremendously good and got first place for  HN? Whatever it is, it feels good.

Recently, I went to a Standard 3 meeting to cover for Nicole’s absence. There’s something that the leader said that struck my heart. “Don’t scold a cadet when you are angry”. Being in an emotional state when you are correcting someone can make you get carried away with it. Well, I need more than just patience to re-start myself with this instructor role all over again. As a cadet once, I know how I felt when this happens to me. I need to embed this reminder in my brain.

Please Yan! Get your emotions in check before doing anything stupid! You have the tendency to do stupids things.. So please ah!!

Honestly, I feel that SJAB is the only thing that maybe keep me sane from the void of my life. I’ve got directions and aims in SJAB but why I could not apply that in my life?

People of boxes

There were once some people who all saw their lives like empty boxes. They looked around the world, collecting up the things they liked. They filled their lives and boxes with the goodies that they gathered and they all felt in control, content and they all felt alright. They climbed inside their boxes and they settled with their trinkets. They neither looked nor learned much more and closed their lids uptight. Once they’d fastened their boxes they smile they’re inside, and they all thought in their darkness that the world was clear and bright.

But the world is not a box. There’s no lid, no doors, no cardboard flaps or locks. And everything in nature from the clouds to the rocks is a piece of the puzzle of the purpose of mankind. It’s a piece of the peace of Islam.

Along came a wondering wise man whispering such words of truth, who stumbled on these boxes, so separated side by side. He knocked upon the first one saying ” Please come out and feel the day”. An answer came from deep within, “You’re not one of us. Please Go away”.

He approached the second box and tapped thrice on the lid saying ” Peace to you inside, shall I show you a new way?”. Someone peeked out from a crack and said, ” You may just have a point, but its so comfy in my box, in my box here I will stay”.

But the world is not a box. There’s no lid, no doors, no cardboard flaps or locks. And everything in nature from the clouds to the rocks is a piece of the puzzle of the purpose of mankind. It’s a piece of the peace of Islam.

He stood before the final box. A hiding face peeked out to him and much to his surprised, he said ” I recognized those eyes!” ” I see you and you see me so why not come out and be free? Faith and flowers wilt and die if they are hidden from the sky!”

‘Cause the world is not a box. There’s no lid, no doors, no cardboard flaps or locks. And everything in nature from the clouds to the rocks is a piece of the puzzle of the purpose of mankind. It’s a piece of the peace of Islam.

Now centuries lie between all the prophets and you and I. Civilizations are born and die each and every day. We see good and bad and happy – sad and mad mistakes. We wish we hadn’t made in our attempt to try and live up to their way. But if we hide ourselves away, afraid to grow and learn we might wake up in the flames of ignorance that burns and we’ll never be much more than only casualties of war, in struggle we can’t win if we have no faith to begin. We’ve got to tip the lid and let some sunlight in….

‘Cause the world is not a box. There’s no lid, no doors, no cardboard flaps or locks. And everything in nature from the clouds to the rocks is a piece of the puzzle of the purpose of mankind. It’s a piece of the peace of Islam.

– Dawud Wharnsby

A letter to my younger self

Dear Yan,

I wish that the concept of time travelling doesn’t just exist in the fictional world but extend to the world that we live in. Because maybe I need to prepare you for what’s to come in your way. The prep talks and mandatory hugs. Maybe I want you to take the different route and experience a different outcome. It may or may not break you. Ultimately, I want you to grow and not become who I am today.

With so much love,
Yan 2015

Gerek Day!

It has been an exhausting week; report submission, UTs, completing team assignments, dealing with faulty software and studying antibiotics for gdp.
To say that I am ‘tired beyond words’ is a bit of an exaggeration ‘cos nothing can be compared to the work load that mom is dealing. So…  I’m just gonna go with very tired. Heh!

Naj has been an excellent help when my computer’s down. I am definitely contented to befriend her! Though she can be annoyingly funny at times, her stable state of mind is of a delight company. If I pass my Lab Management UT with colours with wings, large portion of it is due to her kindness for helping me out with my study. She makes sure she send sufficient stuffs to me via email the day before so that I have enough materials to study. I am grateful and pleased to have her as my friend! Indeed she’s been brought up in a good family :))

Naj! If you are reading this,  I really do appreciate it very much!! ❤ i buy you 3 packets of Gummy Bears if I get A for UT okay:)

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Study Partner !

 

Of a total opposite of a helpful friend, Aqeem is soo being a total ass for distracting me from study by throwing blue tack onto my laptop.  After attended the discussion forum, we ( me, Naj, Lili, Khalis & Aqeem) decided to have lunch and continue studying for our lab management UT afterwards. We spend our lunch reminiscing of the past; Sri Lanka trip. Definitely a lunch to remember!  Then, during study time, Lili and Aqeem sat together behind Najwa and I. Khalis was infront of us. What i thought would be a productive and effective time for study with them…wasn’t much of a productive time spent on studying.  Aqeem stealthily threw blue tack onto my laptop screen. I don’t notice until the blue tack builds up on my screen or when either Lili or Aqeem gave a casual remark like ” Fit, cantik laptop” -_-

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LOOK CLOSER!!

 

HAHHAHA! Najwa pun tak terlepas dari kene serang.  I think we made a nuisance of ourselves because as crowded as the library can go, the tables and chairs near us were empty. People decided not to be near the crazy students. “Siao ting tong”

Then, Aqeem took out this clever tool which can attach two different kinds of surface together..(like attach hp to the inner walls of the car or something)  ( I don’t know the right term for it) and throw and huge freaking thing onto my laptop when I got my back turn from him. It sticks on my screen! I got shocked la because it has a shattering sound to it.. Laptop’s fine… I was not. Naj and the couple covered their mouths  from laughing too loudly because apparently ” my expression was priceless”

Idiot.

Najwa took that black thing and experiment it on different kinds of surfaces. And guess what people?  She decided to try to stick it on my glasses. So, she threw that black thing on my face and due to the short distance and her excellent aim, it. freaking. sticks. on. my. spectacles.

Idiot. The ‘performance’ received a roaring laughter from everyone…even khalis…. I looked stupid sia.

She begged me to throw it one my face another time and aqeem continue to mercilessly attacked us with his blue tack. Never felt so bullied before in my entire life. Hmmphff….

Hahahhahahah!! Why do i have such weird crazy gerek friends??? So yeah. Crazy afternoon!

On a serious note, I need to get back to studying antibiotics for tmr’s gdp.

All in all, in the midst of a stressful week I thank YA Rabb for surround me with such funny and good friends!  Alhamdulillah!!!

Back to books!!

Never ending List

I was thinking of making a list of things that I want to do and it just coincides with the upcoming annual resolution list that majority of the human population will come out with followed New Year. I have been known with my impromptu work /activities; I do whenever I feel like it. So…umm this is not my 2015 resolution list (you’ll know why shortly).

Here goes.

Things that I want to do (when i have the money or time for it)(not in any particular order or priority unless otherwise stated):

1) Be a swimmer – heck! I can’t even float upright without any support from life buoy in deep pool at this age.

  • Buy new swimming costume since I have outsize the current one. Hahaha!! If not, you all can see my blubber..
  • Oh! not forgetting the muslimah swimming hoodie. I’ll  definitely look like a snowman with my round face and round body. Note to self: don’t buy white coloured swimwear

2) Continue archery. And beat the hell out of RP archers. Admittedly, they are good. To satisfy my esteem, from the Maslow hierarchy of needs, to boost my confidence, I. Need. To. Destroy. Them. which I am sure it will take forever to master the basics when they only take few minutes in comparison. Whatever… dont care. As long my equipment don’t rust can liao.

3) Quickly find full time job so I can quickly quit my current part time job which can barely sustain my needs in a single month’s pay. Thank GOD I still live with my parents ‘else I have to get shelter from the tent by the beach.

4) Be a runner. Now that I am in charge of a platoon again, I have to be physically fit so that I can do crazy things with them. I am not kidding when I say crazy. Talking about SJAB, side note –> please change to pants when wearing uniform.

5) Be slim and fit and healthy. I started this resolution since I was sec 3. IT IS AN ONGOING PROCESS. I cannot understand why I still cannot achieve this stupid thing until now.  My determination has always been short lived 😦 . I almost reached the journey of being fit when I was in sec 4 (few more kilograms to my ideal weight). After coming back from a holiday in Malaysia however, I allowed myself to let loose and eat whatever the hell I want. I thought I was in controlled in that situation however I didnt know that my cravings and temptations can be more powerful than my determination. That’s the story on how my almost success story went spiral downwards. And my weight naik makin menjadi in polytechnic. Honestly, its hard to get the momentum going. This is the exact reason why my ‘new year’s resolution list’ cannot last for a year. It’s a continuation from the last last last last last last last year. And I am still not done with it!

6) Graduate with few awards. **Priority*** I need a lot of awards now looking at how pathetic my GPA is. Sooo…. STUDY SMARTER!!!!!! 2 more months !!URGHHH

7) BRACES (self explanatory)

8) Khatam Quran. Seriously. I cannot depend on the month of Ramadhan to start this mission anymore. I need to start like now.

– the list will stop here for now-

Maybe I should start doing monthly follow up so that I can get to achieve my goals quickly huh…

So Yep.

Hopefully I am able to motivate myself to do all of these things!

To the endless wishlist and more of it!

 

” Ungrateful, Insolent, Shitty attitude”

” Ungrateful, Insolent, Shitty attitude”

Someone just accuse me of having those miserable character. I can’t blame him anyway if what he say were true. I don’t think he deserve my apology for misbehaving for only the short intense moment. Here’s why:

I cannot fathom why someone has to interfere with the issue he has no idea about. You claimed that you know what happened during my argument with Adil’s. It baffles me so much when you said that. According to logic, you weren’t logical. I was inches away from Adil’s face when he give me trouble. I KNOW WHAT HE SAID AND WHAT HE DIDN’T SAY before i give him a deserving shout to his face. You claimed that he said ” Excuse me” before he shoved his shoulder into my way when I was cleaning the kitchen. You were in the living room for goodness sake. I was inches away from him. AND I AM THE ONE WHO SCREAMED ” TAK BOLEH CAKAP EXCUSE ME KE PE?!?!” to Adil because he didn’t give me one. Perhaps you need a shout to your face too when you accuse me with such. Get your facts right before arguing with me brother.

Also, I cannot understand someone when he said ” I think you deserve it when I treat you like shit because you treat us like shit also” when that someone has long been treating me like shit before I reflect his actions to him. Abang, I think you are suffering from severe long term memory loss. Do consult doctor soon. I worry for you.

“Muka macam gitu nak pakai braces! Sudahlah ! Tak tau bersyukur!!! ”  Are you listening to yourself Abang? The fact that I have this face (which result from having protruded front teeth) is the reason I need braces badly. If you are inferring that  I have admirable features then I thank you but… I don’t think that’s the case. Even making that statement to me yourself, it shivers me in disgust. You are born with genetic lottery for goodness sake! PEOPLE PRAISE MAK AND BAPAK TO HAVE A HANDSOME SON LIKE YOU. Can you think some relevant points in advance before an argument with me? PEOPLE DON’T TAKE SECOND GLANCES AT ME WHATS MORE PRAISING MY PARENTS! Do you understand my rationale of this point??? You are making our parents proud by just being who you are! Do you know how much effort I have to make in order to make them proud?? I have to literally be under the needles to have the same kind of physical standard like you do! Do you understand me? For someone who is going NTU, you need a lot of explanation for a single argument we had.

I am still not settle on remark you made ” I think you deserve it when I treat you like shit because you treat us like shit also”. You are back in this house for only 3 days as compared to everyone else who has been here since we’ve moved here. For some reason, I misbehaved only when you come back home. So to you, it seems like I have always misbehaved. Doesn’t that ring a bell?  I really expect more from you to think better after you have gone through NS. Really such a disappointment. sigh..do i have to really explain to you everything??!?  The fact that I misbehaved is because you irritate the fuck out of me when you are home! You blast that music of yours like as if everyone enjoys the music. You interrupted my peace. And it irks me more to see that mak always treat you better than me. I helped her with household chores and stuff and yet I get no such sweet talk from her! I have give up recently. That owing to the mountains of unfolded clean clothes on the chairs and unclean dishes to the sink. I have done so much yet I dont get what I want. I HAVE DONE SO MUCH! SO MUCH! And the moment I give up yall start saying I didnt help with household chores and stuff and I am lazy and stuff. Incredible that yall ALWAYS NOTICE THE BAD STUFF AND REMAIN IGNORANT ON THE GOOD THINGS I HAVE DONE. Thanks guys. Yall have been such a supporting family members.

The root of the problem is that yall need to understand the situation before accuse people as such. CONTEXT IS IMPORTANT PEOPLE.

Yep.

I LITERALLY HAVE 4 PEOPLE AGAINST ME in this house. 1 remain neutral. If you think by giving nasty remarks helps me to become better person, maybe you guys should re-evaluate your points. Please. Or better yet, put yourselves in my shoes. It’s already hard to be emotionally attach in a family where they don’t talk about feelings openly, it make things twice as difficult to be kept accused of things that are poorly understood.

IRKS ME TO THE CORE THAT I AM NOT GIVEN THE TIME TO EXPLAIN MYSELF and yet I am to be blamed for everything.

Do message / whatsapp me your rebuttal points after you read this ..if you have one. It will make us civilised.

Unboxing unpleasant memories

I can’t believe that I am going to be active in SJAB again after all of those things that took place last time. The reason (the ONLY reason) I am back is to help out my platoon mates who are currently lacking of manpower. Out of sincere friendship we have built. As much as my heart retaliate against the decision that I have made to be the PC to the new DELTA platoon, I don’t have that heart to reject the offer seeing how much of struggle I’ll put my platoon mates into if I don’t accept.

SJAB had once had a special place in my cadet heart. They are the family that I turned to when I am remorse, stress, angry and all other adjective to describe one’s feelings. They always know the right things to say to console my sadness, subside my boiling rage and even share my joy. I treasure every single moments with them be it through struggling in camps or competitions or even bitching about certain officers/instructors. The friendship that we have built through struggles is stronger than any kind of friendship that I have come by so far. And as far as my hormone-imbalance-teenage years are concerned, they are the bunch of friends that are too precious to let go off.

I guess if I hadn’t go for my Officer Training Camp (OTC), none of these stupid feelings would arise.

I think I wasn’t prepared for the things that I was about to go through through OTC. I underestimate that camp…No… I was still fiddling with whether I want to continue my service in SJAB. I wasn’t ready both mentally and physically and that was what destroys me to the last bit of my pride of being a GVSJAB member. As much as I want the memories to fade, it keeps coming back like nightmare. Shaking them off is like shaking a leech off your skin while it’s still drinking your blood. Yes it can be done, but it comes with a price… sucking out the motivation and confidence in myself.  Honestly, I feel like I have disappointed every single members of my platoon mate. It’s an unpleasant feeling. You have promised them that you ace the camp but instead you come out with your head down in defeat because not only you’ve nearly fail OTC but you have lost your pride during the camp. The greatest bitter part is to explain my failures to my platoon mates.

That’s was the main reason why I MIA throughout my leadership probation as Assistant Platoon Commander (APC) to Emerald. I just couldn’t face reality to how much a failure I was as a GVSJAB APC to EMERALD because I don’t think I deserved to get such a recognized position. I drowned myself with polytechnic activities as an excuse to never go back to SJAB. And that decision was another stupid mistake that I’ve made. Until my EMERALD POP-ed, I never realized that being an APC to a platoon was an opportunity given by my GVSJAB seniors to redeem my pride and prove to them I am capable to do it. Double strikes in a row.

Now that my batch is taking over GVSJAB committee, I was given a chance again to step up my game. Lucky huh. 2 years of playing hide and seek and now it’s time to come out…

One thing that I am afraid most after all this years is disappointment. I just can’t handle that.

What I need is just confidence and skills. Skills can be sought and sharpen through time. Confidence? I don’t know where else to find ‘em and I am running out motivations to boost my morale.

I really do hope that my presence in the committee helps them in a way or another.

  Hoping for the best is my final salvage.

Ya Rabb, please ease my affairs 😥