Unboxing unpleasant memories

I can’t believe that I am going to be active in SJAB again after all of those things that took place last time. The reason (the ONLY reason) I am back is to help out my platoon mates who are currently lacking of manpower. Out of sincere friendship we have built. As much as my heart retaliate against the decision that I have made to be the PC to the new DELTA platoon, I don’t have that heart to reject the offer seeing how much of struggle I’ll put my platoon mates into if I don’t accept.

SJAB had once had a special place in my cadet heart. They are the family that I turned to when I am remorse, stress, angry and all other adjective to describe one’s feelings. They always know the right things to say to console my sadness, subside my boiling rage and even share my joy. I treasure every single moments with them be it through struggling in camps or competitions or even bitching about certain officers/instructors. The friendship that we have built through struggles is stronger than any kind of friendship that I have come by so far. And as far as my hormone-imbalance-teenage years are concerned, they are the bunch of friends that are too precious to let go off.

I guess if I hadn’t go for my Officer Training Camp (OTC), none of these stupid feelings would arise.

I think I wasn’t prepared for the things that I was about to go through through OTC. I underestimate that camp…No… I was still fiddling with whether I want to continue my service in SJAB. I wasn’t ready both mentally and physically and that was what destroys me to the last bit of my pride of being a GVSJAB member. As much as I want the memories to fade, it keeps coming back like nightmare. Shaking them off is like shaking a leech off your skin while it’s still drinking your blood. Yes it can be done, but it comes with a price… sucking out the motivation and confidence in myself.  Honestly, I feel like I have disappointed every single members of my platoon mate. It’s an unpleasant feeling. You have promised them that you ace the camp but instead you come out with your head down in defeat because not only you’ve nearly fail OTC but you have lost your pride during the camp. The greatest bitter part is to explain my failures to my platoon mates.

That’s was the main reason why I MIA throughout my leadership probation as Assistant Platoon Commander (APC) to Emerald. I just couldn’t face reality to how much a failure I was as a GVSJAB APC to EMERALD because I don’t think I deserved to get such a recognized position. I drowned myself with polytechnic activities as an excuse to never go back to SJAB. And that decision was another stupid mistake that I’ve made. Until my EMERALD POP-ed, I never realized that being an APC to a platoon was an opportunity given by my GVSJAB seniors to redeem my pride and prove to them I am capable to do it. Double strikes in a row.

Now that my batch is taking over GVSJAB committee, I was given a chance again to step up my game. Lucky huh. 2 years of playing hide and seek and now it’s time to come out…

One thing that I am afraid most after all this years is disappointment. I just can’t handle that.

What I need is just confidence and skills. Skills can be sought and sharpen through time. Confidence? I don’t know where else to find ‘em and I am running out motivations to boost my morale.

I really do hope that my presence in the committee helps them in a way or another.

  Hoping for the best is my final salvage.

Ya Rabb, please ease my affairs 😥

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