A Closure

To you who tuck your hands in your pocket when I stretch out mine waiting to be received.

I hope you are in very bless state of health. I hope that you continually keep the fighting spirit in you to achieve the best in life both in dunia and akhirat. My sincere wishes.

My intention of this writing is suppose to give myself a closure to this whatever it is. It has been coming close to 2 long years of lopsided feelings. Hahha. I should be feeling nonchalant about this. I’ve been single all my life. Hahah.. I am silly to get marvel by the idea of receiving a certain kind of attention from you… Silly me.. But then again, who wouldn’t want to?

You are a wonderful person to be with. I think you bring joy to others life. But it’s pretty wasted that I could only watch from a distance… But whatever. Life moves on.

And for the unforgettable feeling of falling for you… I want to say my thanks. Thanks for not making it weird when you know about it. Thanks for acknowledging my existence. You are the first. Thanks for everything. Though sometimes, I feel like killing you because the intensity of these silly feelings. I’m pretty sure someone else is more worthy to be in my position and receive the reciprocal feelings.

Maybe you might find it weird to have some else madly in crush with you. Maybe I should shed some light of who I am.

For me, when it comes to feelings (pain, anger sympathy etc) I receive it in ten folds more than ordinary people. My emotions are easily triggered by the circumstances. I am emotionally reactive.  Only 15% of the whole human population are born with this trait. I am part of the 15%.
Average noise volume can be too loud. I choose alone time more frequently when I am faced with emotional turmoil. I don’t like bright lights. I am extrovert. But I am shy. I don’t like crowds. They are overwhelming. (I am trying to give you a more in depth idea of my personality in this message so as to cover the 2 long years that you could use to actually taking your time to know me… I am wonderful person too. Hahhaha)

I have many crushes before you. But they are just “he has nice facial hair” / “he has a fun personality”/ “he is so smart” kind of crush. The kind of crush where you forgot who they are the next day… But You were different. I don’t know why.

Honestly,  I had quite a struggle to contemplate and figure out why you were so outstanding in my vision. And when I realised I was falling for you, I have been far too late to ‘brake’ the feeling because I was falling too hard and too fast.

It’s weird. It’s freaking weird.

But I have learned a lot from this eventful period. I have successfully complete writing my poems and spoken poetry about feelings ( Last time I couldn’t even manage to write about anything). I have been learning how to look and maintain myself as a girl willingly. I learnt how to stop being paranoid when you came online on Facebook thinking you could see me. Mostly, I learn to accept things the way they are and be sincere about it. Because Allah swt is the best planner.

But there is still a tiny bit part of me wanting situation to turn the other round. What if I have a better physique and skin. What if have more oestrogen and progesterone hormones than right now. What if I am more courageous to tell you my feels?
Ultimately… What if you like me too?

To which I decide that the permanent answer to my what-ifs questions relating to my feels about you would be: if we are fated to be together we will.

I don’t blame you for not having the reciprocal feelings towards me. It’s not nice to choke a feeling down someone’s throat and force them to like you back. I understand.

I used to think I set a fire in your eyes but I’ve learnt that was just the reflection of the one you set mine.

So now I’ll stop being creepy (the subtle fb message which I always want to aim on you will be gone. Promise. For now) and I will give you my spoken words to summarise this crazy rollercoaster ride….:

I remember when just one thought of you could ignite the rumble of butterflies in the pit of my stomach. Maybe I become too sensitive to handle the thought of you.

With bittersweet sentiment however,  I learn to accept the numbness of your gaze and the ashes of the butterflies in the cup of my hands. Maybe I shouldn’t wait for something that is impossible to happen with you.

My warmest Regards.

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